While Memories Transform

Tears still come
with echoing fears
as shadows form
bridging years
clouds and storms
linger somewhere
while memories transform

02000514

Life has purpose

There is a purpose to life. It is not to have more, make more, want more, but to serve God in the capacity we came here for. We often may not know our purpose because we are too busy doing things to ask or to hear that small inner voice trying to guide us.

We fill our time with constant busyness rushing to the market, to work, to our children's games, to parties and plays, to meetings and a million other things that take up our time.

When do we take time for God? To be quiet and go within, to put Him on our agenda so that we can understand the truth of life and the meaning to our existence?

We become so exhausted doing that we do not take time to just be. To slow down and truly see. To take time to breathe in, slowly, and in awareness, the fresh crisp air. To greet the day and God and to count our blessings.

To seek His help and understanding. To list the many reasons we have to be grateful each day. Do we really believe that constant hurry and worry is our sole purpose in life? Or are we too weary to think at all?

Take time for self that you may be spirit fully nourished. Take time to ask that you may be enlightened. Take time to listen, in solitude and quiet that you are able to hear.

Do we expect God to spend His time shouting because we have forgotten how to hear? That we have tuned out not only emotionally but spiritually as well?

Life isn't a race to the nearest finishing line. It is a beautiful gift that we should fully appreciate. God sends us messages all the time through what we see, hear in songs, in books, in a movie, everywhere we look.

He is inspiring others that His message may get through to us. All we have to do is take time, ask, seek, believe, listen, know. To understand that there is more to life than what we have made of it so far. Peace and serenity are available.

We only need take time for them. To put or life in order with God at the top of the list then all other things may fall into place.

03012000

We fail ourselves

We fail ourselves
in the end it seems
still holding fears
still breaking dreams

02000514

I will God's will

Your will is my will God, but I know I must stay focused and positive to accomplish whatever you lead me to do. I must be in a state of awareness in order to listen to our call. To keep my vision alive in order to see the path, for you brighten its way.

I must be open to receive and I must have faith in order to believe. You have enriched that faith in what others thought would be my darkest times. You revealed the blessings that are there in everyday life if we are willing to see.

You turned what could have been despair into joy. You made me understand that to stay on a false path was not the security I sought but an act of fear and insecurity. You are my strength and the source of my abundance.

You have shown me the power in believing and that doors will be opened to me and that the teachers in life will be provided by you that I may continue on my course. I know that what you are teaching me personally and through others will serve you.

I know that these words I write also come to my heart through you. You have quenched my thirst, increased my faith in myself and my abilities. I have learned to seek out your worlds which are more valuable than the negativity I might receive from others.

There are those who do not wish me to succeed for their own personal reasons. I have learned not to judge but to release the negativity they wish to instill in my spirit and the doubt they try to create in my heart. How can I doubt you, dear God, for you know what I need before I do.

You know what purpose I came here to do. You know my desire is not greed but to sing your praises and to use the talents you have given me. I can only spend my days in gratitude and study that I may fulfill your desire for me and to serve you.

03022000

Some Truth

Let me offer
some truth…
The pain of living,
is the price of joy,
and happiness…
Even if it's brief

02000514

Nothing is right

I feel hurt
and sometimes want to strike out
and tired
perpetually tired
and I don't give a hang about
the things I used to.
I'm tired of all the worse coming true
about you
and about so many other things too.
It's like living in a nightmare land,
such little things
grow into monstrous dreams – out of hand
and nothing is right
in my whole world anymore

1 – 127, 9/12

Live each season of life

Be grateful for the storm and be grateful for the sun, for all life's experiences are part of our development. If all our days were peaceful without any diversity we would not be able to appreciate our blessings for we would have nothing to compare them with.

For it is when the storm is over and the sun comes out that we look up in appreciation to admire the rainbow God sent into our life. It is the storms that teach us to pause. It is best to be prepared for both.

There is beauty too in the grey, heavy clouds overhead. In a blanket of snow unmarked, as yet, by footprints. Its pristine whiteness is a wonder to behold and the trees weighed down with its abundance.

The autumn leaves signify change, a new season approaching, and a closure to summer days. Life is like that, constantly changing and our spirit evolves through it from childhood to old age. From a full house to being alone.

When the first bulbs break through the ground to greet the world above. Life comes in cycles for each of us. If we are constantly waiting for the warmth of summer we are not living in a state of awareness, and not enjoying the beauty of what is present in the now.

Don't despair for what isn't but see what is and embrace it. It is your gift of today. There is a rhythm to life like the ebb and flow of the tide. Sometimes there are soft and gentle periods, at other times the waves come crashing against the shore but underneath it all is a nourishment of the life within.

There is a time for nesting and a time to be release to make our own way. We help our children by teaching them the strength and independence to stand on their own.

We celebrate when they soar and wish them soft landings. Respect your parents, we all age. Understand that they are the sum of their experiences and we can learn much from them. They still have aspirations and joy.

Learn to sit quiet and listen. To share time and the world's beauty.

03032000

Thoughts on Love

Even in the winter chill we can keep love warm in our heart and let it course the pathways of self and flowing freely onto others. Love given does not deplete us, bet enriches us.

A kind word word spoken can lift someones day. When we truly love ourselves as God's children we can see His reflection in others, not just in those well off and finely clad, but in the poorest of the poor.

God loves all His children and asks that we love them also as brothers and sisters, neighbors and friends. Treat all people with the dignity that Jesus would. A kindness give is never wasted but is passed on.

Don't just think kind thoughts and leave them unsaid, they are much more valuable expressed. Do a kindness each day without a need of recognition.

Share generously, it will come back to you in the long run. We do not walk the path of life alone but are touched daily by our encounters with others.

Live in awareness by truly seeing those you meet on life's path. Smile often. Remember to tell those that you love "I love you" when you part or end a phone conversation or for no other reason that to just express it.

We never get tired of hearing loving words. Buy yourself flowers just for the enjoyment of it. Send a card to someone you're thinking of. Lost opportunities are never regained.

Our days are what we choose to make them. Make them a joyful noise unto the Lord. Let your heart be aware of the beauty around you that your spirit may soar. Be a joy to be around not one who is full of complaints.

We can choose to see the good in life or the pitfalls. When we believe that life is abundant and beautiful, it is. If we choose to look for faults we can always find them. It is our choice.

The flowers bloom, the sun shines, and the grass grows either way. We can make sweet lemonade or suck on sour lemons, it is up to us.

Personally I like to dance in the rain and then sit in front of a fire and watch the flames. Life is filled with love from our pets to our parents. We only need open our arms to receive.

03042000

Treasure with a smile

You're a treasure
with a smile
a light along the way
a beautiful daughter
that I cherish everyday

02000514

No one called

No one called
after they took me away
left alone with strangers
to tend to me and say it's okay
as I watch the days fall
and struggle to remember
while wandering the halls

16090514

Such a tease

Death is such a tease,
watching from the sidelines
as my days fadeaway
I'm left alone and forgetting
all the joy and sorrow
of all my yesterday's
until there are no tomorrow's
as I watch that final sun setting

16050514

I knew myself once

I knew myself once,
long-ago, like a dream
endless possibilities ahead
if I chose to believe…
And I did for a while,
I sang and smiled…
Blessed was the future
that never came
and so many dreams
washed out to sea
on the river of my memory…
I knew myself once,
oh so long ago…

15540514

Until we believe

The state of California
myths and lies, no truth
a bondage of sunshine
along the roaring Pacific
smiles plastered on faces,
stories of paradise
falling from lips
in trances, repeated
again and again…
Until we believe

15460514

The Office

We used to meet there
when it was empty
making love on the rug
or the couches,
using room after room
it had an antiseptic
smell about it...
sterile surroundings...
I would pretend
the sounds of the water cooler
were the ocean,
or the rain spattering down...
hours spent
in sexual meetings
your semen spraying into me... in spurts
like our sporadic affair
it was washed away
on the sea air
like the sand
after the water washes
away all the traces
that we there...

03151977

I have

and
through
all the tears
and the
sadness
and the
pain
comes the
one thought
that can
make
me internally
smile again...

I
have
loved...

12021965

No Cures

How do you find love
once you've lost it…
Depleted, drained,
running out of time…
No cures, only forgetting
of those feelings for you

19080514

Much too dear

My insecurities
are in the open…
and I don't care.
I'm much too tired
and hurt… and used and lost
and all things
are much too dear…
I'm in pieces and broken,
fading and soon forgotten

12021972

Sad and Lonely

I'm lost forever now,
fading under sheets and blankets,
sedated, sleeping, watching,
endless television programs,
chattering, mumbling, mindless,
talking heads saying nothing…

20500514

It's too late

It's too late
to fix the wrong
It's too late
to start again
It's too late
to stop the hurt
It's too late
for making memories
It's too late
for living my dreams
It's too late
for me now....

09560514

Here comes the sun

a new morning
of a
new life
without you...

so?

there will be others.

much finer;
much mine-er...

and because I treated
you
well,
I like me better.

also, the sun rises...

12021957

Enamel

The private person
me....

Baked in an enameled shell
of privacy...

I weep, I rage, I care.

Yet outside I am smooth,
controlled.

Please do not come too close.

Enamel chips so easily.

12021954

God sees us through

Faith will get you through.  God has lifted me during the hardest times in my life. He has planted me on a new road, shown me a new direction and has lighted my way.

When life seems darkest and out of control, the best thing we can do is put it in God's hands. Ask Him do I belong here? Whether it be a job, an abusive situation, chasing after an unrequited love, whatever it is, hand it over to God.

Trust me, He answers. Sometimes with a rapidity that shocks us. As if He has been standing on the other side of the door waiting for us to knock. Then the real work begins. To clean out the attics of our life of all the negativity, fear, resentments and pain we have needlessly been holding onto in order that God may fill us with His blessings.

Out with the old and in with the new. He gives us faith to carry on, hope in a new future, love of everything around us and within us. We accept ourselves as worthy of His unconditional love and we are filled with Joy. He gives us a peace we've never known before when we release our struggle and surrender our lives into His hands.

He gives us what we need in order to grow in the spirit, whether it be teachers, books or experience when we start counting our blessings each day, no matter how small and listing our gratitude we also realize a new attitude.

One that looks for the positive, is in greater awareness, takes time to go within and has an ongoing conversation with God. When we give up the struggle He blesses us with an abundance. He teaches us also to share, to give back that others too may know of the joy of God's love.

Giving does not deplete, but instead enriches us. God isn't limited and what we share always comes back to us ten-fold. We learn to set aside time each day for God because we want to be with Him in quiet conversation.

Thus He leads us to a new vocation, a new life with clearer conception and appreciate of all life, of the beauty of the world, and ourselves, God's creations.

03052000

This in between

My new home awaits
just a little room
for me, no pets
or garden anymore
nor visitors.... alone
I wait, for it all to end
as I forget the journey
of this in between

10030514

At Last

At last
the road ahead is clear
At last
I've put away my fear
At last
my journey's end is near

08170514

In God's Hands

Faith will see you through, for much is out of our control. Even so, we need never feel helpless as we can put all things in God's hands knowing He will bring things to the best outcome.

When we have a difficult decision to make, put it in God's hands and He will lead us to the right answer. When we find ourselves out of work or at the mercy of others, put it in God's hands.

When we face a loss or are in pain, put it in God's hands. Nothing is too large or too small for God's attention. He wants to share our burdens as well as our joys. With Him we can share both our tears and our laughter. He will lighten our heart and remind us that we are never alone for God and the Angels walk with us each step of the way.

When the going gets tough He carries us out of the storm and over the rocks that are blocking our path. We can talk to God in conversation as well as prayer. He is never too busy to listen, to lighten our load as we unburden our heart.

The things we would share with no one else we can tell to God, knowing His unconditional love is always with us, loving us, comforting us, and guiding us.

When we release things into God's hands do not try to dictate the outcome. He knows better than we what is best and can see more fully the advantages of all outcomes.

Often we find that giving it up into God's hands brings us more than we would have asked for ourselves. God is generous indeed in His love nothing is too much to bear when we share it with God.

As He sends the rain, He also sends the sun into our lives. Storms and troubles come to an end and God sends a rainbow into our lives that is a witness of His everlasting love.

Today is on of those days when I lay the outcome into His hands.

030620000

Ours to seek

True happiness,
and the fullness of life,
are ours to seek…
Just as salvation awaits,
so do endless possibilities…

08011990

Remember Me

My children, do not let your faith begin to vanish. Nourish it, tend to it with love, let it grow and feed the soul for years to come. Share this gift I gave to you, pass it along, and remember me when I'm gone.

08011990

Lost at sea

I'm lost at sea
my ship of memory
broken and sinking quickly
treading water desperately
there's just not much left of me

11240514

Like sand

Like sand
through the fingers
is falling time
and happiness
and memories
but not loneliness
or the sadness
of passing years

02000514

Joyous Sharing

I'm waiting
for loveless
snow
a season
to freeze away
my caring
and spring then to come
bring back
my right reason
for joyous sharing

20000000

Forgotten too

A face in a photo
from time unknown
person too
who are you
were we lovers
or just friends
someplace long ago
do you remember me
or have you forgotten too?

11130514

How?

How?
do I learn
getting over
loving... you
I know
it's the first step
to recovery...
it's just that
I don't know...
How?

03091977

All I do is forget

We keep nothing, all will be lost in time... my sweet memories too leave me bitter as they fade away. Oh, how cruel aging can be, taking all until all is nothing, and nothing are we.

09490514

Behind the church

You are my brother... my father
...my lover...my all
My brother because you listen,
pick me up when I fall... you
share my troubles, my laughter
and fun...this is what brothers do
You are my father when I have sorrows
and wrap me in your arms...somewhere
...and wipe away my tears...
and show me that you care
You are my lover...shared or not
...for my love is true
given it returns ten-fold
from in my heart to...you.

12021961

Soon she'll vanish

The waves crash
upon the shores
of my distant memories
they thunder and splash
breaking deformed
a mind's vagaries
where dreams are dashed
and my world upturned
fading away is Therese
soon she'll just vanish

13280514

Clipped Wings

like clipped wings
and dying dreams
just two hours
of tearful showers
and we're nowhere
and we don't care

12530514

Crushed Softly

Butterfly wings await
to be crushed softly
between pages of rhyme
unable to soar and fly

12490514

Planning Our Future

You come in the night
stalking me in my dreams
from the realm beyond
calling, calling, crying
come, come, back
be with me,
please return
to home in the heavens
between the stars
we'd count one by one
planning our future
when we were young

12430514

Make them stay

Where did you go?
I blinked it seems
and you were gone
funny are the tricks
that time plays on us
we're gone before
we know it... counting
memories as they go
and we're helpless
trying to make them
stay...

02000514

Vanquished

Truth will see you through
your travels and troubles
from station to station
across the many miles
from the high to the low
until we vanquish life

02000514

This gift I gave to you

It is wrong in hanging
on to anything just for
the security if affords us
when we have outgrown
the need we once felt

You thought I had hurt you
in letting go... not true
the hurt had been in my
hanging on for so long

In releasing you from the ties
I was giving up the security
I had clung to... not the man
for the feelings of joy,
love... and discovery
had long ago left us

We were there simply
because it was a safe way
to live... like routine

The gift I gave you
was freedom... to find
yourself again as an
individual... not one of
partnership... pulling
against one another

I should have let go so
much sooner... before
the resentments, anger
dislike of small traits
we looked for in each other
were so painfully obvious
in our day to day life
this is how I hurt you

I know it was late
in coming to be.... for this
I am sorry... but not
for letting go of you...
smothering... clinging
running away from ourselves

I gave you this gift to
save what was left of... what
we are... so I could
look back and see all the
good we had had...

Up close all I envisioned
were the resentments... at
you for not understanding
who I was evolving into
and at me because I
could not stand still
into the being you wanted

It would have been safer
to stay... less scary
then facing the world
alone... but not kinder

I did part from you with
what love I had left...
not in anger... like you thought
to save... not destroy
because that is what we were
doing to each other...

Accept it as a gift... giving
to... not taking away from
believe me... it wasn't easy.

07091977

Sundays are always bad

Yesterday was Sunday
Sundays are always bad
("bloody" as they have been aptly described)...

The full moon is Wednesday.
Full moons are always bad.
(ask Lon Chaney).

Friday -- as in Good Friday
and, 30,000,000 miles from Rome,
but the vibrations of all those mourning
Italians will make it bad.

Sunday -- Easter comes on Sunday -- but it's
also Sunday,
    and Sundays are always bad.

12021960

Passing as one

Cold are nights alone
and old are the days
slowly passing as one

02000514

Penance

I haven't confessed
except to the priest
who hears much of the same
I must suppose...
The air thick with
penance
words are heavy
in the air
Farther forgive me...
but can I forgive... myself?
I have reproached myself
for what I have
made of my life
sticky business... living
but much more... loving
let me wash
your feet with my hair
once it grows long enough
like the length of my life
end to end...

03171969

Soup

You're a scrap
of meat on the bone
of the love
we feasted upon
not even enough
for a bowl of soup

21120514

Memory Disorder

Doris sat in the corner
waiting for the phone to ring
it was Mother's Day
surely her son was on his way
together they'd laugh and sing
his death gone to a memory disorder

12370514

Don't Meet Me in Heaven

Let's part ways here and now
and pretend forgiveness somehow
though you've crossed the line
so vile in your long decline
you can't clean your slate
of all the dredged up hate
so let me make this confession,
I don't want to meet again in heaven....

12290514

Untouchable loves

The ghost of you
comes to me in the night
bared of all
earthly trappings
your hairless bronze chest
naked
in the moonlight
of my dreams
I try to touch you
but my arms are leaden weights
I try to see you
but my eyes are lost somewhere
you are the reflection
of what could have been
we move rhythmically together
somewhere in the darkness
an elusive dance
of untouchable loves...

03161977

Just waiting

Did I let you go
to keep the reality
of the dream... alive
or because there was nothing left
to hold on to?...
I live in a waiting
world...
Waiting for night to come
like a friend it brings
the blanket of sleep...
My night thoughts
remember how it was...
Waiting for something
or someone
to happen in my life
preferably you...
I don't think anyone else
could enter here...
I didn't know how strong
this love was
until it came to me...

03151977

To my neighbor

You mean well I'm sure
the billy goat gruff
next door
I'm sure there's gentleness
hidden somewhere
beneath the exterior
of trying to prove
your masculinity...
and shouting bullshit
to almost everything
you don't understand...

07011977

The answer

During our lifetimes
we ask for many things
beautiful memories...
what I need most - love
friendship
peace within my soul
happiness
a soft caress
and the time - to enjoy
it all
and sometimes
the answer is
"no"...

05071972

Rising Tides

The fingerprints we left behind
marked in blood begin to fade
that last proof we were here
washed away by rising tides

08440514

Closing Act

I think about it...
when the time comes
I want to put a sense of order
to my death
completing my business
with life
to give comfort to my family
and an acceptance
of the final curtain
drawing an end to the closing act

05061972

Now

With the dying
if you can
share their laughter
their sorrow
It is a ritual we are not often
allowed a part in...
and what of myself?
to know that death
will come... someday
is quite different
than to "know"
you are in the process of dying
"now"...

05051972

Final Gift

The pain
may be physically and morally
excruciating... one intensifying the other
but death is the ultimate act
and we all have a right to accept this final gift
in whatever manner
of awareness and dignity
one is comfortable with...

05041972

Waiting for the flame

Father forgive me
for I have loved
and am told it's wrong
Guilt my penance
I wear my shame
for the world to see
Hail Mary,
give me strength
each of these
many remaining days
that I wait for the flame

23450514

Robbed

taboo the dream
of us haunts me
with might have been
moments of need
that rob me of life
this draining desire

23350514

Waiting Room

I live in a waiting room
watching people come
and go too... free
bring me a blanket
and the promise
of dreams in my sleep...

11270514

and in the end

Somehow there is never enough time
ours is resignation to fate
"yes me"
no more hope, anger, denial
just an acceptance
of the inevitable
no longer able to fight
this unseen enemy...
tears held back
now flow easily... not in pity
for oneself... but just
an outpouring
of overwhelming feelings

05031972

Trying to buy time

We search for answers
where there are none
you try to make bargains
with God...
Please save me and I promise..
and we turn to medicine
the cure all.... and the healers
Doctors who can cure all
can't they?
Hoping a cure can be found
miraculously... just in time
trying to buy time
with hope

05021972

Creepy Neighbors

He touches you
with such gentleness
it awakens all the desires
you've closed off
never dreaming someone
with the midas touch
would reawaken you
and damn....
He's a good lover
this one thing you know
by God he's a man....
because he knows it
and never has to prove
himself... by cursing
and shouting bullshit
so never ask me neighbor
the answer
would always... be no

07011977

Never Doubt It

When I say
a gentle man
appeals to me...
one with a soft, raspy voice
that echoes down your spine
who's eyes reach out
to touch the soul of you
who's very smile
exudes sexual activity
of the brain...
this man, this soft man
never has to seduce you
or say...
we're both consenting adults
he merely states facts...
"I'm going to take off
all your clothes
and make passionate love
... to you"
and you never doubt
his ability
or his masculinity...

07011977

Losing It

Lately I've been dying
more than usual it seems
giving away memories
and losing all my dreams

12090514

Put to rest

Thought I'd miss you
but you'd been gone
so long before you died
that dying didn't matter
it was just a formality
and now it's put to rest

12050514

Getting Mad

We find the world
does not stop turning
because of one's rage...
The pain is in knowing
we must leave behind
those we love
this separation is frightening
we cannot live through them
and it's unimaginable
not to be part of their functioning
This alone is enough
to make anyone angry...

05011972