Sunday, August 31, 2014

someone else

You gave birth to me
with the love you offered
true it was a small amount
but it made me feel so alive
wrapping me in the warmth
of your arms in the darkness
embracing the nonentity
you thought to be someone else
my heart stopped beating
with the parting from us
I died again... for nothing


Saturday, August 30, 2014


I am trying
to write you
out of my
I'm just going
out of my
love is insanity


Friday, August 29, 2014

All out

I lived...
deep inside you
my haven,
my warmth,
my love...
now all that
is gone...
so are you...
I called
the housing department
they had no vacancies
I called the
gas company
they were out of heat
I called
the heart association
for a replacement
they rejected me
for a transplant


Thursday, August 28, 2014

No self am I

No self am I
gone from within
waiting to die
run to my end
no tears to cry
nothing left to defend
No self am I


Universal Matters

I lie awake
watching for dawn
to bring the sunrise
do you realize
it happens everyday
just as regular
as nightfall
I turn all my thoughts
to such universal matters
and forget the
petty questions
such as
"do you love me?"
or "ever really did?"...


Wednesday, August 27, 2014


What do I do
with my life
now that you're gone?
Nothing usually
keep numbness
enshrouding me
so I won't cry
from the pain...
my heart is suffering
from paralysis
all life is motionless
movements of nothingness
until I remember...
Oh God, then the pain
loneliness, desolation
hits like a sledgehammer
my guts keep
rolling over themselves...
remembering you
brings back tears
and I await
the blessed numbness
day.. after day... after day...


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Lost it all

I thought they were going to take it all away,
my home, my treasures, my precious memories,
all the little things that meant so much to me,
living in fear, confusion, and needless dismay,
as I slowly lost it all, bit by bit, anyway...


Wait for heaven

My angels are gone
to make ready my home
they've left me alone
so hymns I do hum
and wait for heaven to come


Forgetting Heart

Oh, the distress my mind does bear
the unanswered... always... why
your voice empty... silent reply
from the warmth of you I've gone
into the storms... encompassing weather
fleeing away... to what we shared together
my needs be gone... go... depart
please give me my release
the kindness of your forgetting heart
alone can give me peace...


Monday, August 25, 2014

Paint You

I've had all that
was loving
all that I knew
of it
torn out of me
is like a thief
in the night
stealing back to
what few pieces
of sanity
I keep building
let me paint you
in the sunrise


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Misty Blue

I thought
I was cured of you
until I went out
and the singer
did "Misty Blue"
then all the old pain
came back
to haunt me again
along with the memories


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Go away

Missing your love
just isn't fair
I'll find forgetfulness
someplace... somewhere
I've tried not to remember
the touch of your hand
it really doesn't matter
if I understand...
I used to desire you
and want you to stay
now I only want
this pain to go away...


Friday, August 22, 2014


Therese says
Terri thinks
the world
is not ready
for translucent
in their
of life's
better yet
says today's
of the moth
battering against
the lights
of times


Remember Always

Love once
and have it gone
someone lost
someone won
don't be foolish
to love once more
remember always
what happened before


Thursday, August 21, 2014

you dared to be

I always, at least,
gave you the freedom
to let your hair down
and enjoy life
to be yourself
without restraint
to expose the real you
naked in its - truth
and you were beautiful
to me...
I didn't ask you to
clothe yourself
with unreal expectations
just to lie heart to heart
in freedom...
I declared you innocent
of all your faults
and turned you loose
don't put up your guard
against me...
I have no pain to cause you
speak the truth
expose the warm person
you can be
as long as it's
genuine... you
I understand
the contradictions in your nature
for mine are the same
don't misjudge
this gentleness in me
for lack of strength...
I breathe in freedom
I don't have to
prove anything
to anybody...
I know the vanity
of your manliness
the vicious meannesses
you don't really mean
for they're over
in the blink of an eye
the absurdities
of trying to prove yourself
I see beneath it all
and understand...
there is no need
to step with care
with me...
you've abused me,
used me,
neglected me,
and at times
tolerated me
but you also
loved me
so I'll keep still
it doesn't matter
I like you
and deep down
I know you still
like me...
the thought of you
has cleansed me...
you've cried in my presence
and I in yours
we've sinned together
laughed together
and underneath
I keep a special place
in my heart
just for you...
I've seen the real you
and know him
and love... you
you dared to be
with me...
isn't that friendship?
my friend...



I've set a pattern
or plan of action
to get over you...
I tried
winning your friendship
hoping there was
some feeling
left somewhere...
then I decided
to get over you
forget you
ever were...
my plan
just doesn't
seem to be working
so now
I'll just try
to survive...


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Those not there

They whisper to me
those not there
for you to see
but me to hear
you sat on Sally
she combs my hair
she says she's okay
just take more care
if you're gonna stay


Bird Calls

I am
a night person
by nature
maybe I'm distantly
to the owl
but even the owl
finds another owl
to relate to
to hoot with
in the darkness
I should learn
the bird's call
and nights
won't be so


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

A responsive smile

The past
shot full of holes
that let in glimpses
from days gone
once in a while
a face I'll recognize
a responsive smile
that comes and goes


Empty Days

Life is
so empty
right now,
a trying to fill
this nothingness.
Loving you
so much
of what
I used to be
has left
and nights
of nothingness


Monday, August 18, 2014

Empty Vacuum

I have tried to
evaluate what I am
searching inside
deep down...
into what?
The empty vacuum
you left behind
or is there still
enough of me
left... to build
something better of
than what you knew?


Sunday, August 17, 2014

Waiting for spring

I've learned to live
with the... pain
it was terrible
during the summer
burning me...
with its searing heat
all my self confidence
falling away from me
during the autumn
along with the leaves
freezing me...
without its warmth
in the winter...
I'm waiting for spring


Saturday, August 16, 2014

Finding Spaces

I've studied the landscape
of what I am... many times
learned all the contours
and dead ends...
the movements
that course through me
my faults... and crevasses
the cyclic changes
hormonal elevations
when I crave sex more
not that I ever want less
I should take myself
in hand
and find the spaces
in between


Friday, August 15, 2014

My little house

It's gone now
my little house
the garden too
passing somehow
the dream sufficed
when it came true



You left me for dead
just walked away
leaving me
with my pain,
self doubt
you took away
my lifeline
your... love


Thursday, August 14, 2014

tangled up

Love is a deep sea
you can be washed out
into its deepest parts
carried out on its waves
left to flounder...
when you're too
far past being able to
make your way back
to shore and safety...
and then you drown
caught up in the
seaweed of doubt
tangled... unable
to drag yourself away


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Independence is a gift

I imagine my mom enjoying the train ride and the scenery. She's gotten to do more traveling in the last few years since my dad's passing then I can ever remember. At 86 she has a lively mind and is enjoying her life. She has fixed up her apartment and it reflects her newfound energy.

One day she even asked me "how do you win at bingo?" and she has brought home some prizes since. She still lives alone and loves her independence. One of my kids said "you're letting her go alone on the train?" as if she needs my permission or approval.

She is getting as much out of life as she can. For several years she took on the job as sole caregiver for my dad who was suffering with senile dementia. It was very difficult and painful, at times he could be belligerent and violent. Now she deserves the freedom she has. She never learned to drive, so she mostly walks where she wants to go.

She's considering learning the bus schedules so that she can explore even further. She really doesn't like to have to depend on others. I don't blame her. I think we have a better relationship than we've ever had in our lives. I think it's because of the late blossoming independence.

I think she finally understands what it is to be on your own and relishes it. I think it helps her understand me a little better as I have been on my own after my divorce for over 20 years. Have raised my children on my own, and have had to be self sufficient.

I'm wondering now who I can get to care for my cats so I too can see a little more of the world. To travel. I might even take the train. It sounds like something I would like to do. I could also follow her example and walk more.

I want to be as fit and healthy at 85 as my mom. It's time to start living. The kids are grown, I've retired, a new future awaits. I don't know all it holds for me, but like my mom let me be a little daring, do a little discovering, and relish my independence.


My new math

I must decide
what I'm going to
make of my life
I have to conquer
loving you
I have to realize
that when
one and one make zero
it's right
it's just a matter
of subtracting
the addition
you once had...


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Give me a fleece

Turn to God for the answers you need. God knows what is best for us to do. He reaches out to us in the darkness and brings the light. God's guidance is always available, we only need ask.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you. Those are the messages to us from God and He has blessed me with a continuing abundance. I do not know the lessons others need to learn.

When they reach out to me I can only turn to God that I may do the right thing. How can I best help them? Show me the way, Oh Lord. I do not presume that I know the answers but I know that God knows.

Synchronicity was in the air today when I read about the fleece. Gideon faced a difficult decision so he asked God for a sign. Invite God into your decisions. Pray and listen. Ask God for a fleece. We all have new lessons to learn and God is always ready to teach us.

God knows what is in our hearts and in the hearts of others. He will lead us out of the darkness. He will light the path before us. He makes all things possible and enlightens us and shows us the way. I realize how very fortunate I have been compared to some others I know.

God has given me the opportunity to help and for that I am grateful. Let me be of service to you, Oh Lord. Let me not assume I know the answers but rely on you in faith.

Let me continue to tell others of your goodness and to release their fears. To let go and let God in faith brings more answers than being locked in our fears and helpless.

God is like a lighthouse in the darkness, when we are lost His beacon shows us the way to a safe harbor. He helps us avoid the hazards and sees us safely to shore.

When I am confused He brings clarity. When I have lost my livelihood He shows me a new path. He opens the door to learning and provides the teachers. When we are ready and when we need them, they will be there. This too is God's promise. He provides all that I need.


Forgetting Not

Wasted years
love in exile
forgetting not
a broken heart



There's someone living
alive in my head
whispering fantasies
into my ear...
giving me insomnia
far into the night...
showing its horny
little head at times
I try to smother
the damn thing
but it's indestructible
unlike me...


Monday, August 11, 2014


I am
missing you
as passionately
as I have ever
loved you....


unwritten poem

I wish I were an eagle
proud and free
or a butterfly
fluttering with lightness
I am a poem
because there was
nothing to be said...


Sunday, August 10, 2014

He said goodbye

he said
leaving me
to enter into myself
the fires
of my face blushing
through my pale flesh
my lungs exploding
from lack of air
the walls came around
to swallow me whole
they absorbed me
or left me there
in my nakedness
he left bared
as he


Saturday, August 9, 2014

In a loop

I loved you
which was living
on a tightrope world
I lost you
went through hell itself
and became a vacuum
now I'm discovering
who and what I am
which is the beginning
of the cycle
again... I love you
which is...


Friday, August 8, 2014

Post Op

Your hand cuts like
the scalpel you wear
severing the arteries
to my heart
so it can no longer feel
it keeps on beating though
pumping nothingness
through all of me
post surgically...


these times

I thought I'd
have something
left in advancing
memories to share
like buried treasure
I even looked
to these times
with joy, not
they bring me
in my time of


Out of tune

The world is good
I think
it is me who's
out of tune
come touch me
with joy
so I can smile
again soon


Thursday, August 7, 2014


You want me to go
Oh, where?
how long?
can I come back?
No!!! Oh,
instant insanity


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

enter into it

To look deeply into anything
to realize and know
truly... that thing
you must not just look
at it... you must feel it
to ingrain it into your being
a tree is not just a tree
or the sea... just an ocean
of water... you must become
all that they are...
the leaves blowing in the breeze
the ripened fruit... the bark
the sap.... enter into it
become a part of the ocean
feel the softness of the currents
the aliveness of the movements
of all it is... and all the
organisms that are part of
it all... touch the wetness
feel the peace issuing from it
and to love... you must
become part of that being
also... enter into me and
let me join your allness
pulsate... diffuse... be
with me.... that is love...


Hurry Morning

Nighttime.... insomnia
morning... insanity
afternoon... blahs
evening... pain
nighttime's coming
oh, God
hurry morning...


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Those things that were

A slow walk
in the rain
of failing memory
and fading thoughts
a little angry
I let them pass
those things that were
could never stay


for friends

After you left
I found
the ones I had
been leaving
while my involvement
with you
included only you
me giving to them
were still there
to give
what I had
to give to them
thank God
for friends...


Monday, August 4, 2014

Thanks for Today

This is the day the Lord has made, let us be thankful for this day and I am grateful. For the rain that is badly need. For the air that smells so fresh and clean. For the bath that my car got. For the opportunity to be outside, no longer locked indoors from 8 to 5.

For the time to talk to my daughter and hear her cheerful voice. For the homework I have to accomplish. For my friends and family. For my kitties who keep me company and for all the blessings God has given me. No matter the weather I like to spend time outdoors.

To see the beauty around me. To talk to God and be silent so that I may hear his answers. Where I am at this point in time is right where I am supposed to be. God has seen to it that all my needs are filled and has given me a sense of peace I have never known.

The opportunity to learn a new vocation and the time to do it. Never before have I been so aware of my everyday and been filled with such gratitude. God has taught me so much. To slow down and to be more aware. To appreciate everything in my life.

To share the joy I feel and the deep love God has for all of us with others. That it is important to take time for God before anything else. That we don't need to struggle to have abundance. That we don't need a lot to feel grateful. That the more we share the more we receive.

That we don't need anything else but an open heart and a willingness to have faith, ask for guidance and be willing to listen and follow the path He puts before us. That there is no need to worry about the future for it is in God's hands and He know what is best for us.

That God loves to see His children happy and to hear from us. That He is never too busy. That He is everywhere including our spirit within. That we are part of the great-I-am and each of us has a purpose to fulfill. Something only we can do, and each day is perfect with God.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

A day of peace

God brings us the abundance and prosperity we need in our lives not things but in love, in awareness, in personal growth of the self and spirit, of being closer ourselves with Him and in serving Him on this journey in life. He teaches us how to see and appreciate the beauty of the world and of all things and to know as we follow the path He sets for us that He will provide for our needs as that we may be secure in Him and follow our destiny.

God never leaves us but helps to teach us. To set aside time each day to communicate with Him, keeps us grounded in truth and faith and makes us aware of God's deep and unconditional love. When we ask God He can heal us physically, spiritually and emotionally.

He will give us the light to show us the way and provide abundantly for us on the way. The important things in life are not things, not acquisitions, although He will provide for those too, but what we do with our lives, the difference we can make just being here.

How we touch the lives of others and fulfill our destiny. We came here to learn, to grow, to serve and to touch the hearts and souls of others along the way. God's message is always one of love and forgiveness. Let us harbor no ill will toward anyone but be at peace with ourselves and with God.

Let our walk on earth be one of awareness, to live consciously every day with God at the center of our lives. Let us find the way to inner peace by seeking the serenity that only God can give. When we interact with others let us be is loving as our Father, not looking to find fault but to be examples of His love and caring.

He helps us to live in the light instead of struggling in the darkness. God is the source of our strength. He protects us, teaches us, helps us not just to survive but to grow through the many lessons we encounter along the way. God help me to have patience today and every day. To realize it is not as important to prove I am right as it is to see the uselessness of arguing.

Let others find their own truth through you but help me to be quiet when it is time for me to be, that I may speak through example. You can teach as much in silence as you can in words, especially when you are an example of loving kindness in action. Let today be one of peace among us as we try to create and pray for peace in the world and the universe. Peace in the hearts of all men is brotherhood.


In Talking To God

I do not pray so much as I just talk to God. I share my thoughts, ask for guidance and thank Him for the blessing of my life and of each day. I let Him know I appreciate the beauty in the world He created and the time to enjoy it.

I do not rush through the days but try to live consciously. To be outside, even briefly rejuvenates me. The brisk air is refreshing. Nothing should come before God. He has taught me so much these past few years. How to truly see and how to listen.

How to be quiet within and still without so that even the hummingbirds come right up to me. I have learned that worry is a useless commodity and serves no purpose except to cause anxiety and sleeplessness. To have faith brings peace and to rely on God in all things brings abundance.

I no longer feel alone but instead acknowledge the presence of the Angels around me. The holy spirit within me and God everywhere. I've begun to feel that He looks forward to our conversations as much as me. For God too likes to be acknowledged.

I have no concern for tomorrows for I know they are in God's loving hands and He will guide me on the path leading me to where I need to be and doing the work that I should be doing to make a difference. He knows best where that should be and is providing the teachers I need to learn from.

Life is good indeed. All that I need is being provided for me from my loving Heavenly Father. He has opened up my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I feel as if I am a different person leading a new and more fulfilling life. I now know that life can be filled with joy and promise instead of have-tos and what-ifs that ruled my life before.

A whole new door has opened and let in the light that faith brings. My desire now is to serve God in whatever way possible. To use the gifts He has given me to bring word of God's love to others. To spread enlightenment and the joy of living that is possible when we turn to God.


Saturday, August 2, 2014

last harvest

I'm astonished
at my laughter of myself
it's seasonal... Or must be
like the fruit harvest
my ripened fruits
like eggplants
hanging from my chest
the strawberry blush
of my cheeks
they call women tomatoes
also known as the love Apple
someone plucked my cherry
years ago
leaving a bare twig
where once the ripest
fruit lay...


Friday, August 1, 2014

Islands of age

My island shrinks
as I forget
all that came before
my mind playing tricks
all my tomorrows spent
and remembering is a chore


One of the crowd

I'm going to have
my favorite photo you
blown up into and 8 x 10
so I can hang it among
my collection
in my bathroom
and parade in the nude
in front of all of you
how do you feel
being one of the crowd?


Listen, God Speaks

Let me be aware of your voice, Oh Lord. Let me take time to be silent and to listen. When God speaks He gives us only truths. When God guides us, He guides us on a path to greater purpose and service. He will provide for all our needs along the way. Have no fear for God is here.

God wants us to succeed so that we may be an example of His love. So that others may know that faith will enrich our lives and the lives of others we touch along the way. God provides the teachers and the means. He opens the doors for us to new destinys.

He lights the way for us so that we need not stumble along in darkness. He sets the table before us and provides the nourishment we need to keep going. God is in the sound of music and in the rustle of the wind. He speaks softly within as that small inner voice and at times shouts in the storm with roaring thunder if need be to get our attention.

When we don't know the answers all we need do is ask God. When we are uncertain He will show us the way. We can feel God's tears in every raindrop and the warmth of His love on a sunny day. He shows us the glory and His power in the rainbow, the sunsets, in the waves that crash against the rocks, in the majestic trees reaching toward the heavens.

There is nothing God cannot do and there is nothing we cannot accomplish through Him. He directs us to have the faith of a mustard seed and all things will be possible. He causes the sun to rise each morning and to set each evening.

When we start our day with God He smoothes the way that all else will fall in place before us. When we are anxious, He calms us. When we are troubled, He enlightens us. When we are joyful God smiles down upon us. And when we believe and have faith He rejoices in us.

God dwells not only in the world but within our spirit. We only need go within and quiet ourselves to feel His presence. We only need listen to hear Him speak. We need follow His guidance to find our way.