An arid thing

My heart an arid
and meaningless thing
is waiting for the well
of loves sweet spring

10051977

Mystic Shores

These mystic shores
black water's edge
I do explore
the rising moon
about to go on stage
and cast its lore
rising tidal monsoon
soon to come ashore
and wash me away

13120813

Outdistance

Me you never knew
or understood
not a single moment
and I never knew you
we are strangers
who have touched
I feared most
the similarities we shared
I was broken already
but you left me soiled
and ruined
unfit for anyone
afraid of my own
bad taste
the men I have chosen
and the passions
I keep buried deep inside
raw with hunger
and guilt
trying to outdistance
myself...

09211977

Causality of war

I was a contrivance
an obstacle course in your life
a hurtle to overcome
I am a disaster left
one of the horrors of war
reaping the benefits
of the victor
the tortures of the battle
still can be seen
reflected in the hollowness
behind my eyes
fade outs of aftermaths
the bleakness I am emerging from
a dark aura surrounding me
my walls have all been
torn from me
and I am left open to the elements
unprotected...

09061977

No signal

Enda sat in the corner
T.V. remote in hand
watching the no signal
message flash by
she was convinced
Henry would reach out
send her a sign
from the beyond
she needed forgiveness
but like everything else
she thought
this must be the best
that Henry could do

05480613

Core of pain

I wish I were
as good as I used to be
the core of my pain
has poisoned me

10051977

No change

There was a time
you were with me
it was a minute
or eternity...
you kissed the tears
from my face
the soul of me
you once did taste

Now you're gone
life has no change
without you here
it seems so strange

08091977

Lonely Throne

I pity you
your small world
created out of uncertainty
your answering terror
when someone cares for you
and you feel returning warmth
welling up... almost
oozing out to them
but stopping just in time
to prevent what?
Happiness unreserved?
Sadist
licking your wounds
with salt
so you can say you hurt
I will not violate
the sovereignty
you have given yourself
a king after all
always rules alone
in the end

09221977

Misfired

If I had the insight
to know a mistake
before I made one
I would not be flapping at random
in the winds of misfortune
without direction
a trajectory... misfired

09211977

Blind Cycles

The circles of loving and hating
blind cycles of life awaiting
forgetfulness and ignorance
ugliness enhanced
shame and fear a memory
beating what is the soul of me
nirvana is overblown
wanting to share but left alone
long smoldering edges
left written on empty pages

09201977

Sickness of the soul

I am an unsure
and a wretched soul
I guard myself
against the horror
and the loneliness
of life's experiences
The sickness of my soul
going through the motions
of what is called living
The cycles of love
and disgust blind me
I long for forgetfulness
of smoldering eruptions
of life's ineptitudes

09201977

Growing in truth

I will not buy peace
with your pain
reality may be stark
but it is hot dishonest
I offer my suffering
to the development of my being
free to accept the challenges
of my own growth
I am not striving for perfection
just for recognition
I am an individual
unsure... sometimes unbelievable
but myself

09201977

Collectibles

I'm one of your collectibles
left crippled from your touch
it didn't seem so then
at the beginning
but left behind
I know... the love I felt
will not come again

08031977

Circles

Through the circles
of loving, hating
the visions of you
lurking, rejecting
are always waiting

We shared a brief
violent erupting
smoldering longings
brought us touching

To what end
was this brief meeting?
A moment I loved you
so brief and fleeting

Spoiled offerings
how could I have dared
touch upon love?
Then to be gone
life is unfair... unfair...

08311977

Her haven awaiting

The sea nymph earned her right
to paradise... paying the price
exacted as has always been
by love's sweet sacrifice

Into the seaweed mother
lurking far down below
lulled upon the waves of the ocean
where she resides... man doesn't know

Her castle... the shells surrounding
lost love her bed of memories
timelessness her haven awaiting
abiding in the endless seas

No longer for love need she go looking
it was lost in the surf's foam
cast out upon the rocks unwanted
now she can rest... she is at home

No prince is mortal man
and his offerings were wrong
for the princess of the sea
she must stay where she belongs

To do without the caring
against this she must close her heart
for to grasp at human yearnings
means from peace one must depart

Leave the sea nymph to her sea life
this pain she can do without
better off she is in paradise
gone from life's uncertain doubt

08071977

Love's vivid clarity

When our love was new
the whole world seemed to take on
a new vivid clarity....
When I looked at the mountains
every tuft of grass... every
cray and crevice were visible also
and I felt a thousand eyes staring
back... wild creatures wondering
who this is invading their every
hiding place... with her eyes
When I visited the sea
each pound of the surf was intensified
roaring... rumbling... speaking
the sand sparkled more brightly
like minute particles of ground diamonds
In the mountains the slightest movement
of the wind through the trees was
perceptible to my ears... and the brook
though some walking distance away
came to play music to my ears...
Each flower in its movement was waving to me
It's like being on the pentacle of the mountaintop
and you know... shortly you must make your way
back down... back to earth... so was my love

07171977

A few crumbs

You used me..
as an object of your sympathy
I told you at the start
I wouldn't play a substitution part
then you discarded me....
like so much rubbish... thoughtlessly
when you started to get your life
put back together again... cut me like a knife
you wouldn't even talk to me
left me drowning in the sea
knowing how much I have cared for you,
and how much I still care... do
you honestly say... you want to face me
day after day
every time I look at you
I realize how much I love you still
I don't know where I'm at
so I'll leave the decisions to you... until
I honestly know what to do
yes, you see I still want to reach out
and touch you, and hold you...
and kiss you all over... and tell you about
how I feel... and to make love to you
and I want to die, I am so blue
because I know you don't care
and never did... if you dare
please tell me
When do I stop hurting?
When do I stop wanting you?
When do I stop loving you?
When do you learn to be true?
I've only been getting through the days
on Valium and Tequila Sunrises, as in a haze
since you said I helped your ego
when you found you could get to me
when no one else could... your vanity
you can add a notch to your belt today
Is it possible to be JUST your friend?
you know I've always been your friend anyway
I didn't want to take you from anyone
all I wanted was a few crumbs of your life
I have a life of my own you know
I didn't ask to be your wife
I'm not going to find someone else
to fill in for you and pass the hurt on to
that's not my style... I'm me, not you
I don't love easily, but I'm capable of
caring deeply... finding a replacement for your love
for those reasons would not only hurt someone
but would cheapen me... I'm too proud
to have that done... to anyone
but you can keep running away and
pretend I don't have any feelings... I understand
you don't have to sit down and talk to me
silence is as much an answer as
anything else you know... naturally
it just takes less courage... it was
to me worth the bother... or I wouldn't
have loved you so... I know.

19200000

Betrayed by eyes

This world cannot
bring me to my knees
I will not
crawl through life
I will live it
in whatever manner
of dignity and pride
I can muster up
through all adversity
lies, pain, feeling
I must endure
in silence maybe
but always in truth
within the mask
I wear
only my eyes
can give me away

09221977

An endless eternity

One of us here
the other one not
one of us alive, the other dead
an endless eternity
forever closes
timelessness alone is spread
stretch me out
upon the fields
the flowers a pillow
for my head
where I am going
here you'll never be
in this darkness
my eyes unfocused
here in blindness... not to see
the sky and stars
to cover me
alone at last I shall be free

08081977

Congratulations

You were the third son...
In Japanese families
they expect you to be
the bad one...
you grew up
resenting your mother
without realizing it
and want to punish women
now that you're grown
without being
physically abusive
an inadvertent act
upon your part...
I want you to know
you've succeeded...
congratulations

08241977

Where we'll meet

You are within all I see
the sky, the stars
upon the sea
the trees blowing in the wind
the birds up in the air
everywhere I look, my love
somehow... you are there
all above my head
all below my feet
are around me everywhere
there too... we shall meet

08091977

This too, this too

I bequeath you all I have
upon my bed with death
my love of the oceanside,
of life, of you, and all the rest
that lives within this heart
of mine... my dreams that haunt
my world... may I when I depart
this life come to visit you within
your nights and touch you light
as a feather, remembering I have been

More am I than carved of bone
I am created by what touched me
the passion you created within
my soul... leaving my thoughts run free
to shine up with the stars at night
and be the warmth of earth
I bequeath you all you gave to me
with this love you helped give birth

See this beauty through my eyes
for this I will to you... oh one,
who taught me how to love
but this love of life, and you
this too, this too, I will give
when this my life is through...

08091977

My imperfect world

I feel so weak emotionally,
no strength in me
my mind and soul unanchored
as it's tossed about on the sea
of life, charting a new destiny
My ship rides on the crest of a wave
and I don't remember setting sail
how to be bold, how to be brave...
alone and terrified to never see
once more the shores of tranquility.
Anything could topple me
in this raging storm
Dreadful to fight for control
I need the courage
to make my imperfect world whole
setting sail again across
waters calm and glassy.

00000000

Take the helm

Angels call from on high
entering into this wicked realm
to dry the tears we cry
and when lost they take the helm

02121996

Take the time

Don't let your heart outgrow your home
don't forget your family's face
whatever lands you may roam
your soul came from this place
you may want to forget it all
your memory may grow dim
but it takes a tree for a leaf to fall
you're still a part of them
there's never a soul so dark and bare
with troubles weighing him down
that can't find solace waiting there
with loved ones gathering round
take the time to say you care
to your family waiting for you there...

01141980

I'm your mother

I'm your mother
you put your arms around me
and say you love me
but you wouldn't like
to work at a dead-end job
like me
you wouldn't dress your house
in old fashioned furniture
like mine
or have more than one pet
like I do
you wouldn't marry early
like I did
or have as many children...
you wouldn't fail
in the ways you feel
I did
you'd make more money
be more successful...
find more happiness
have a cleaner house
travel more
have a better car
more friends
you say you're not critical
you put your arms around me
and say I love you
I'm your mother
and things will be different
for you...

01061980

Ghastly Violence

Give me just one life to mourn
or one family to bury in my heart
bust six million is so hard to grasp
it is beyond the capacities of the mind
that ghastly violence, the terrible crime

05191979

Guess you can tell

How dreadful I cannot free
this emotion from in me
to lift the weight from my heart
that is caused by being apart
from him I hold so dear
but no longer can be near
I go to bed and think of him
and daily my recollection grows dim
but at night and in my dreams
he's so real it almost seems
that he's here in reality
so clear I can almost see
every detail I remember so well
I love him still, guess you can tell...

22000000

Sinatra Crooned

Sinatra crooned
"come what may"
me in my cocoon
breaking away
my dreams a balloon
a teenage getaway
crashed too soon
a darkened Broadway
to trouble I was not immune
so, rather than walkaway
my yes led to a honeymoon
that ended straightaway
as, Sinatra crooned
about a bar in far Bombay
I hummed  "fly me to the moon"
is this my "come what may"?

17340813

Age's Infringement

Forgotten moments
I guess were never mine
once the soul's nutrients
now just memories left behind
to age's infringement
upon my mind...

17130813

What is time now

What is time now
to this aged me?
Wondering how
life's still a mystery....

16580813

If you care

My life is my own
I've earned the right to it
no more tears and despair
for something so long ago
one tarnished affair
I'm happier now
what does it matter
if you care?

00000000

Another Year

I can bear it until the morn
makes one more day reborn
I can carry my load one more day
until nighttime steals the light away

Each day as it comes and goes
is another blessing God bestows
and when I feel my troubles, no longer can I bear
I reach out in prayer, and God is there

And somehow my burden seems lighter
and I grip on just a little tighter
face the morning on my feet
and head on my problems meet

I'll face each day and night ahead
getting up and going to bed
and conquer loneliness and fear
and carry my load another year

01281974

He fills my heart

The Lord is always with me, even in my pauses, His blessings too numerous to count.  In my soul searching I have found peace, this too is a gift from God.

My greatest luxury is time, this too is a gift and a blessing God bestowed upon me.  I do not rush to fill it haphazardly but to savor its glory and beauty.

The smallest events such as a rose in bud is a celebration of life and I am in awe of God's creativity.  The variation of color on the grandest scale, reds, purples, yellows, oranges, pinks, and whites, all reflect the hand of God.

Even the leaves are a cornucopia of design and color.  The trees are majestic and proud.  All life sings Gods praises.  Glory to God in the highest!  He fills my heart with love and gratitude and slows my life so that I may have greater awareness.

My heart beats in joy and my soul too praises God.  My mind seeks His words and I drink them in that they may be absorbed within me.

The birds are feeding their young and have made homes under the roof tiles and in the trees.  The ground squirrels come out to play and scamper while the weather is clear.

I am an observer and participant.  I sow and plant and reap the blessings of the Lord and He is most generous in his abundance.

05141998

Within the mirror

I still don't know you
after all of these years
that face staring at me
within the mirror....

13290813

Sometimes I fall

Sometimes I stumble,
sometimes I fall...
but I must get there
by myself,
or not get there
at all...

01281979

An hour with me

Come and spend one hour with me
put away your reveille
come find peace temporarily
come and spend an hour with me
I am your father, I am your friend
don't you have one hour to spend?
Come and spend an hour with me
come lay your troubles at me feet
I'll lighten your burden, I'll not retreat
come and spend an hour with me
in the garden I wept alone
for the whole world I did alone
come and spend an our with me
for you I died, and I forgive
for each one of you, that you may live
come and spend an hour with me
for me don't you have an hour to spend?
come to me, my child, my friend
come and spend one hour with me

01141977

Helen

Silent darkness
surrounds the waters
remembrances
receding farther
I journey blind
guided by touch
and with smell I find
a world filled with much
expressions are signs
I make by hand
slowly learned over time
so though I cannot see
I've come to understand
the world around me

10500813

Would I mourn you less?

If you should die
and I loved you
but you were unaware
would I mourn you less?

12271977

Toil in silence

You're unprepared, who never lost
a treasure kept, just tears
who never hungered only to find
a famine through the years

You who never wearily toiled
with only riches to pave your road
will find in the sunset of your years
a heartless, heavy load

How many griefs to overcome
before you find your way
ho many sorrows to fill you heart
how many prayers to pray

And how many more scars
to create part by part
enough hurts to make whole
your pain shuttered heart

Don't ask
Don't ask
It's a life long task

11271978

Don't say a word

You were a dream who did not speak
I was a reality you did not seek
that was but yesterday...
peace now comes when I sleep
love somewhere else will keep
tomorrow will be another day

but if you are there when morning comes
and all loves happiness becomes
an attainable goal
my heart will blossom to the sky
all life will be a natural high
and illuminate my soul

and yet if not, don't say a word
a soundless voice is never heard
some things never stay
or are meant to fill our everyday
some things never turn out that way
but I still can pray

01121979

Reach Out

Reach out
be surprised
Reach out
to the blue skies
Reach out
let your joy arise
Reach out
love has arrived

12480813

Just a why

My friend
you are gifted
with beauty, wit, imaginary
why then
with these talents
are you still alone like me?

08081977

Forgotten Dreams

I remember so little
of my dreams, they were so brief
in their place has come the pain
of endless loneliness and grief

08071977

Ocean Water

My eyes the ocean's waters scans
meeting the horizon... outward fans
hurrying to walk the morn
a new day yet to be born
courage sun it is your chore
to greet the descending moon once more
to walk up in the sky awaiting
hush now watch... the day is breaking

See the water... softly playing
one wave upon the other laying
ocean filled with women's tears
gathering painfully through the years
see this lonely woman weep
her tears come for you to keep
sea nymph come and dry my face
and take me into your waiting place

I came here to join your home
no more to cry... no more alone

08061977

Clogged Drains

Love without roots
sunk deeply down
cannot hold against
the torrential rains
set shallow into steep slopes
it but washes away
clogging the storm drains
of ones life...

09051977

It's best you go

It's best you go
though I'm not ready
for your passing
each dying day
harder to get through
for me and you
this task of fading away
breaks my heart
and wounds my soul
the fear of being apart
such a heavy toll
watching you slowly go
even greater so
my tears come now
even before our final
goodbye....
for you I sit and cry

05540813

Never shared your name

You chose me
to be your lady
and I have chosen you
then you department
I'm still brokenhearted
but forever yours I'm true

I dared not tell
but so you did
and revealed my shame
for though we shared
both bed and board
I never shared your name

12211978

Gone the openness

This valley is becoming
pregnant with houses
giving birth everywhere
sucking up
all open ground left
frames touching
hiding the mountains
the sun once
tiptoed over each morning
and slid behind
each night
gone the openness
I loved...
closed against me
as you have become...

08031977

Hidden by dust

The mirror reflected image
dirtied with lies
and blood and tears
accumulation of anguish
gathered through the years
the face can no longer
be seen through the crust
the vulnerability unshown
must be hidden by dust

09051977

Beauty Untainted

The calming sound
the rhythm of breathing
the struggling gone
a great peaceful feeling
my soul is at rest
no more need to resist
so much love gone
still left unused
the giving of it unwanted
by him who counted most
I yearn for beauty untainted
but not at this cost
so little gained
so much as been lost

09051977

Veiled with tears

You cannot walk into the past
its reality is shadowed by time
there is such an aching loss back there
without form, difficult to endure
oh, if I could travel back into
that encapsulated place
to give love without reservation still
the memory would be more now
than a mystery veiled with tears

09051977

Your raspy voice

My heavy heart
without love... or home
wishes you would pass my life
your raspy voice my song
my heart dances to its time
oh, but your wife
I'll cover an ear
so as not so well to hear
and wander the other way
no song, my sweet
for me today
and life will pass along
without my lovers song
and maybe yet tomorrow
a hundred years or more
your raspy voice will croon
again... just outside my door

12211978

Time ebbs and flows

I want to be
as is the sea
free to ebb and flow
affected by the winds that blow
leaving only a moment... wet
with touching, and yet
the sands shine, and remembers well
and waits for its next wall fill
always to return again
without beginning, without end

10051977

No different

Like animals
we smelled the scent
of each other
like the perfume of one
who is in heat
mating for purposes
one has forgotten
yielding stillbirths
children of loveless matings
I thought it would be
so different with you

08031977

The grain of sand

I am as
a grain of sand
in my own eye
an irritant
to be removed...
carefully

09201977

The Longest Corridor

Death shall come
someday
stealing in its
quiet way
shattering what
has been my world
I'll greet him
with a smile
not to die
is what is fearful
for eternity
is the longest corridor
one could walk
who wants to live
forever?

09181977

Spirit of wind

Rub the salt
in the wounds
they will heal
none too soon
you've branded me
what none should be
untie the chains
and set me free
my heart will be
no slave to one
imprisoned still
it will bow to none
no man can break
this spirit of wind
blowing freely even
trees do bend
against its gentle
persuasive touch
blades of grass
fold with such
graceful bowing
can I be less
then to follow their
example of gracefulness?

07141977

Read me

Don't listen to my words
for my message may fail
to be expressed
in conversational tones
my eyes
and facial expressions
my body may
speak more truth
then my limited vocabulary
ever could...
I am grasping
with my soul as well
as with my tongue
all of me is language
read me...

07151977

Wooden Hearts

Love is but splinters
ground to dust
wooden hearts
cannot beat
its heavy ache
leaves the body
blood - starved
set aflame
it is but ashes
without hope

09221977

Echoes of the deep

Tainted by fate
the sea nymph waits
the waters close upon her
can she bear the great weight?
Her song of loneliness
echoes in the ocean deep
the anguish trembles in her voice
alone her watch to keep
protected by the elements
from mankind's leering stare
midworld fathoms down
the intensity of loneliness too much to bear
listening, dreaming, hoping
somewhere... somewhere

09221977

Waiting to transmute

Ugly beyond belief
the scrub brush
clings to the mountainside
inferior to the weeds
surrounding it
it is beyond hope
but doesn't realize it
so it keeps hanging on
honing itself to the edges
of the dirt dried and cracked
waiting to transmute
itself into beauty
to wait forever
in insistent anguish
born to be ugly
scrub brush

09221977

Resting in the waters

Oh winter's night, let me be
now that summer's gone
not too anxious for the beach
or autumn's leaves now flown

Oh summer's bloom,
out of the womb
for you I will not sigh
but the water nymph me
sea anemone
she really did not die

She's merely resting in the waters
now that autumn's done
waiting for the gulls to take flight
and for the rising sun

Winter's hand that gathered
all the moonbeams away
is only resting until the time
of summer's breaking day

11111978

I tried

We were never perfect
sometimes all we had was love
and empty stomachs
but we tried to make do...
A struggling mother who would give
all, and more, yet it never
seemed to be enough
for you my kids
always know
I tried...

13480813

Rain

There's beauty in a rainy day
water dropping in an endless array
that fascinates me

There's wistfulness in a rainy afternoon
the scent, the treasures of water's perfume
that generates ecstasy

And in the stillness of a rainy night
transported by sounds of sheer delight
rain soothes the beast in me

It washes down upon my face
trickling upon my mouth I taste
its splendid generosity

Not just flowing to earth to rest
it's come to fill the ocean's depth
and spend awhile with me

To quench the thirst of the ground
peaceful, gentle waters sound
come to fill my sea

Rain through the morning
the night and the day
come fill all life that lives
and cleanse my soul that way

01141979

We take our bows

On the stage
of forgetfulness
that comes with age
we take our bows
in fading wakefulness
and head backstage
the music tempo slows
and in wistfulness
so ends life's show...

13360813

Guardians of the light

Pay attention to your intuitions
they become more brilliant
when in harmony with the angels
for they are the guardians of the light

13260813

To my trouble's chagrin

Send in the clowns
let me laugh again
and put away my frowns
and let joy begin
and the world astound
to my trouble's chagrin

13140813

Exposed

Exposed
will my failures die?
Exposed
will chasms grow wide?
Exposed
will weakness be my end?
Exposed
will truth overcome lies?

13020813

This life of numbers

This life of numbers
adds up to nothing
counting dollars
thinking they're something
they're no blessing
no path to happiness
just something to chase
in a world of emptiness

12510813

The shrine of truth

The shrine of truth
is constructed of light
there are no dark corners
no places to hide
all is seen for what it is

12260813

Luscious Harmony

The tones came down from heaven
vibrating music in their own time
instruments of the spirit and soul
built in the temples of angels
play in luscious harmony....

12110813

Guided by angels

In the dust of my final years
memories scattered
by the winds of time
there's salvation,
love and joy too,
for my soul
has been blessed
and nourished well
and always guided
by angels...

11570813

Contours of you

Your feet curl against mine
your legs moving, grating
against my own
my mouth searches down
finding your umbilicus
round, open, welcoming
I kiss your nipples
and they get taut...
even when we're apart
I can follow the contours
that are you
my fingers remember well
its body strokes
in symphonic harmony
you never wilt
within my touch
orgasms of love's
finger trails

00000000

Making a collection

I'm making a collection in my mind
about you... and I did find
among the assortment... your special grin
with hardly a stubble on your strong chin,
your delightful imagination...
and the Hawaiian accentuation
of all your words... your tan
skin... I know you like no other man
I have known... your black curly hair
and the way that you stare...
I remember the softness of your skin
and the way you felt when you were in
me... and how our passion did rise
oh, and the sparkle of your brown eyes,
and how you would sneak up behind
me... and cup each breast... I didn't mind
really... I really enjoyed it.
And the times when we would sit
awhile... and talk, just talk
and the time at the beach when we took a walk
in our stocking feet through the sand
and you reached over and took my hand
and we sat and watched the sea
at the Sea Lion palace, you across from me
It was a perfect day of bliss
and it ended with a kiss... but what a kiss.
The fun we had at the hockey games
you always got so excited... screaming names
of players... it was such fun,
and the drive we took to be out in the sun
You said it was... too nice a day
to stay in... oh, the games you like to play...
There's many more... just things so small
but when I put them together and count them all
there's quite a collection of memories
like the way you always sneeze
when you're round powder
Just little things you do...
my small collection of me and you.

00000119

A scar

My slow ascent has begun
the tour of pain almost done
no prestige of accomplishment accorded
the fact I've managed, simply afforded
myself respect gained with each step derived
thank God I have lived, thank God I survived
I thrilled to your fine falseness
basked in sweet bliss
when our love-affair began
and suffered badly at the receiving end
all I have to show for you
is a scar on my wrist...

10071977

To be a star

If I could but be a star
climbing higher
shining far

Floating out in infinite space
with no ties
to one place

Free to return each night hour
caught in timeless
endless power

To be gone each breaking day
and visit other
lands that way

07141977

Summer Hell

The brown dry tumbleweeds
have impaled themselves
on the chain link fence
down the street...
The yuccas are all in bloom
the green from the hills
has disappeared... leaving
malignant flame lick spreadings
of match fires a possibility
the sun a blinding
searing heat inferno
baking the earth
into a smoldering rage...
Is this a summer drought
or is it hell?

08231977

Always Waiting

It's this sacredness
in the snake pit of my stomach
fears slithering around
heads alert, waiting to strike
the Asps of doubt
raise themselves one upon the other
choking me at the heights of despair
eyeless, soundless, intangible
wreathing fears
fill the dark places of me
always waiting.. always there

08311977

Alive, in dreams

I am a dream machine
programming myself
at the midnight hour
for nighttime visions
to descend and
daytime fantasies to devour
to solve my problems
in the mist
of phantoms wanderlust
bringing peacefulness to one
who has learned but to distrust
people populated morns
lips moving, words not meant
instead I'll take dark reborn
ghosts... controlled by my mind
not to rebuke, not to scorn
the unhappy creature they find
laying softly in her bed
visited by one dear muse
now that nighttime did descend
hiding all the ugliness
life does hold... soon
daylight comes... night must end
oh, if I could by hold it back
keep out the light
hold in the black
then with me entering
become not real
only living in a dream

07081977

Data Vault

data swirled like a fog
crystallizing one moment
dispersing the next
such is the state
of this fading vault
of memories

12570813

Unmapped Backroad

My mind is an
unmapped backroad
of memories
that I explore
in the early morning
hours of quiet

12530813

An endless loop

The folds of her mind
had become a maze
this fate of time
an endless loop of yesterdays

12510813

The rivers of memory

The rivers of memory dry up suddenly,
they used to flow so freely...

12440813

One last tomorrow

death's around the corner
death's in my bed
one last tomorrow
before they call the coroner
because they found me dead
and so begins the sorrow

12400813

Contaminating

The despoiler
trods in ruin
clad in destruction
armed with friendship
contaminating
with his touch

10051977

Every Line

I see each and every line
each contour carved by time
the colors translucent blue
each ebb and tide something new
there is no meaning to my presence
it is irrelevant and transcendent
the sea a testament of time, space and light
that washes the heaviness out of sight
it cleanses the heart, its heat unthawed
and I stand here in peace, overawed

10061977

Misery leches through

Deny if you will
all that was me
I fave you joy
and love and ecstasy
Is the freedom I gave
worth this suffering
for you to deny the fact
that I have ever been?
My misery leches through
this mask I've created
once there was love
I was saturated
filled to the benthic depths
of me... now all is gone
but the aloneness, the fear
the desire to belong

09081977

n'est-ce pas?

I am a neophyte to divorce
newly come into it
and newly converted
my nascent has started
like a rebirth
I am growing into a new form
of which I am not sure...
It has not been for naught
I have traveled this road
climbing up out of the debris
leaving it neath me
ne'er to go back
to my former selflessness
My nemesis has been left behind
I'm ready to drink my nepenthe
to bring forgetfulness
of the sorrows of my life
n'est-ce pas?
I will arrive in my never-never land
someday I'm sure - now
my dream fulfilled

05231977

Simply Tragic

You were the scalpel
a simple tool
intruding into the life
of this simple fool
I thought it was something else
a simple magic
fools tend to lead lives
simply tragic

10151977

One by One

In lines
of one by one
the men within my dreams
will come
walking through
my shapeless form
of my inner being
weathering the constant storm
hovering, hanging
waiting to descend
awaiting my waking time
my dreams to end
drifting nightly
they still come
walking in lines
one by one

08031977

My friend

She is my friend
one so sound
and wise
She told me
not to get entangled
caught up in his lies
or he would surely master
the gentle soul of me
yielding nature to be bound
never to be free
She tried for my salvation
but I would not understand
I was dancing in the sky
clutching the stars in my hand
I was ardent in my feelings
couldn't she but see
what a very wonderful person
was this man, was he
Well I must say she gave warning
so now I do find
the fool's not her, but me
and the bitter tumor of hurt
is growing in my mind

05231977

Putting seasons down

Summer comes
and we say give me snow
or autumn's winds to blow
take away this hot sun
disregarding all the summer fun
Winter comes
and we say, oh god snow
when will it ever go
hurry spring and bring me rain
to wash the land clean again
When spring rains come
we say where's the snow
oh where that cool whiteness go
I am tired of this dreary wet
how we do forget
year end, year around
always putting each season down

06071977

Found it at last

As I walked upon the sand
on a cold winters day
I came upon a peacefulness
watching the water play
running out, coming back
the cares gone from my face
it showed me just how small am I
compared to this ocean place
I said good morning to the day
as the sun rose in the sky
it came to warm the waters
I breathed a relieving sigh
in tiredness I had come
and drove down to the beach
my long search had ended
peace, at last, was within reach
I've wandered through a lifetime
searching far and wide
longing to find the simpleness
found at the ocean side
I hadn't found it in the city streets
or in crowded busy stores
in country places, too, I had looked
I found it here at the seashore
my heart has been awakened
as if it found its own daylight
I run, and lay, here all the day
and stay here clear till night
I sit upon the rock pilings
and watch the ocean flow
lapping around my dangling feet
I wish I had found this long ago

06271977

His Creativity

Here by the sea tide
evening has come
all the day people
have left me alone
it is the most splendid
feeling... to be here
together with its magnitude
surrounded by its depths
the inspiration of so much
that is part of me...
the sun setting down
behind the waters
which seem to reach
skyward... to meet it
darkness arrives
leaving me here...
with the aliveness
of the water sounds
the moon casting its
glowing shadow
across the waters
the wind blowing
gentle mistiness
through my hair
this beauty
is a gift greater
than any human
could bestow on one
I thank God
for his creativity...

06271977

Take Care

Its almost a year
since we parted
a lifetime really...
You should see
the things I have
accomplished
in your absence...
Gifts I have given
in my memory of you
I am almost
the lady I remember
of my youth
carefree as a seagull
flying high
soaring above the clouds
dreaming the impossible
I have thought often
of you...
Even though it's a closed chapter
in my life
I would love to know
how you have done
Are you happy now?
I know it shouldn't
matter anymore
but somehow it does
Take care of yourself
my love...

05051977

Beauty of the soul

Since you are gone
the days slip by
all alike to my
mind's eye
before I knew
weeks had passed
like time is running
Oh, so fast
I have missed you
more than you know
and never have the chance
to tell you so
will the consequences
never cease
of loving you... and let
me find peace
of mind... and beauty of soul
to remember you
but still remain whole
let the things I possess
be as free
as the rest of life
and the changes time brings me...

24000000

To my parents... with love

I have this frightful fear
that all my goodbyes are final now
that I will never see
them again... and somehow
I have to remember each
little thing... each gesture
for this may be the last time
we meet again... I'm unsure
upon leaving... I want to
run back... and hold
them... take them in
my arms... and enfold
them... I'm so insecure
cowardly... facing this fear
of losing them... most dear
death, loneliness seems
so very, very near

10031976

Departed

Departed I have ceased to know
dressed up in my gown of snow
cold within the ground I lay
life does not rise with my chest
death here greets this unwelcome guest
laid to rest, but yesterday...

If I had known that it would be
a time without joy or tranquility
would I have lain silent down
to have missed each rising dawn
ad each dream of you to be gone
while silent I lay me in the ground?

I would have spent more time at the ocean
basking in its ever continuing motion
listening to its peaceful sound
gathering seashells from the sand
queen of all this sand hilled land
instead of lying here underground.

11231978

Unintended Gifts

you were the best of loves,
you were the worst of loves...
and you left behind several
unintended gifts...

through you I re-examined my
need (desire?) for one significant
other to share my life-space with...

you commanded in me an unwilling
re-evaluation of self, behavior patterns,
relationships, corresponding,
a change in attitudes, and growth

I'm nicer to people

I'm more in touch with my feelings,
the things and people around me, life...

and, of course, a scattering of poems
(the best of poems, the worst of poems)
that never would have been without
your disruptions.

Thanks.

00000000

Let the light in

A journal is part of internal homework.  A self exam and enlightenment as you put your thoughts on paper without editing them.  Not worrying whether someone reads it, approving of and agreeing with your findings.  Who cares?

This is not about them but your own private closet you have filled with your own accumulations; mental, physical, and emotional.  It is your baggage that needs to be sorted and your decision on what to discard and what to keep.

As you clean and rid yourself of unnecessary, warn out, dysfunctional, useless and unwanted, outgrown thoughts, emotions and other various particles that have made up who you are to this point in time you will notice an increase of light in your vision of things.

You will find it is the dark thoughts and negativity that you will first want to exclude from your life.  Each one we discard, after a thorough examination, allows a little more light to come into our awareness.

The light of knowledge, understanding, compassion for the self you've been, hope for the self you can be, and a sense of peacefulness and acceptance with who you are and all the possibilities of your potential within.

When you recognize the good and beauty within it opens you to even more light and your spirit begins to shine so that others too can notice it, they may even ask what you are doing to cause such a change.

They may attribute it to being health conscious and in a way it is.  For the spiritual effects the physical and mental outlook we have on life and what you are doing is essentially a spiritual house cleaning.

A lightening of the unnecessary load you have been carrying that is contributing nothing positive to your all-that-you-can-be.  A load that is not a blessing but a burden.

Eventually you throw open the windows to self-love.  Then the light comes pouring in.  Amen!

09301999

Silent Movies

I can't always remember
our words spoken
but the things said
between the lines
not spoken... but louder
than what you did say
ear screaming out...
the silent bleeping sounds
filtering through

Screen actors
of silent movies
only in love lines
I don't remember
you ever saying
I love you...
but I dreamed it was so.

07011977

Red Tide

My loving feet
will never lay... on your
carpeted floor, like me they
were rejected before they had
a chance to love you more
My fingers will never again run
through your waving locks
they were disentangled
and smashed upon the rocks
no more will I nestle
upon the warmth of your chest
my heart has stopped beating
locked within my breast
my lips will never touch
the sweet fruit of your own
you judged me unworthy
and left me all alone
my eyes will never search
the depths I saw in yours
you closed them tight against me
shutting all the doors
I'll stand no more with you
the sea wind whipping my hair
alone I go to where we were
for you are never there
I'll never walk the shores
with you... our feet upon the sand
watching the tide come to meet
us... walking hand in hand
my only fault was to give
you love... that was my only sin
now I am but a shadow
of the beginning that did end
I am just a leftover
someone who shared your bed
once alive and laughing
who now... might well be dead
washed out to sea
to float upon
the tide that runs of red

06101977

Chord Changes

C before G seven
sing me songs
from the heavens

12250813

Promises in frosty mornings

For a day or two, it gives off
the sumptuous scent of that,
smelling more wonderfully of spring
than even violets do.
I breathe it in and smile,
crocuses pop up in miniature bravado,
and then collapse under
the astonishment of late snow.
One day, while the ground is still spongy,
the faintest possible haze of green appears
in the last year's graces.
Trees are discernibly in bud.
I savor every little sign of spring -
notice everything! My very soul insists
there are promises in frosty mornings,
in clouds thinning where the sun insists,
and in simple souls like mine.
It makes me feel there's still something
to have faith in.

00000000

No bells to toll

Are you the prized I wanted?
begone, I know I've lost
I've gained so much in wisdom
but how dearly it did cost

For so long it was I famished
from lack, from loss of love
now I need but nourishment
as the one who lives above

No more the bells of love to toll
for you answered not a one
I will be gone to where I want
this life I've lived is done

07041977

An illness called love

How do you unlearn love
once you have found it?
They can't operate on you
and cut it out...like
an appendix or something.
You can't take medicines
to cure it...like an
infection or whatever.
It's like a malignancy
that is incurable and
only grows...and grows.
He's gone and there's no
treatment...None.
I wonder...can you die
of an illness...called love?

00000000

The lady of the sea

I run to greet the ocean
to grab the setting sun
hiding behind the waters
now that day is done

I follow the sea tides
taking me somewhere
floating out upon the currents
to where, I do not care

It is my form of freedom
the lady of the sea
no turning back now
just the sea, freedom and me

I live to explore its depths
the creatures here of all sizes
I'll still be here to greet
again, the sun as it rises

06271977

Glass Particles

We looked at each other
with kaleidoscope eyes
discovering new facets
with each turn of the wheel
lives sparkled
with glass particles
making us beautiful
because of tunnel vision
ground in bright colors
of new found love

07011977

To find peace of mind

I feel so weak emotionally
no strength in me
my mind and soul unanchored
and tossed about...on the sea
of what we call life
or destiny...
I'm insecure...on the crest of a wave
and don't remember
how to behave...
alone...terrified to never see
you again
anything could topple me
right now...
dreadful to fight for control
I need the courage
to make my imperfect world whole
again...to find
a blessed...peace of mind

00000106

Other side of a coin

It used to shock you
that I could read your feelings
and sometimes your mind
Both Sagittarians...
so alike and yet so different...
both slept on our stomachs
both with one foot out of the covers
both highly sexed...
insatiable in our appetites
Both enjoyed food,
the beach,
long rides,
fishing,
the outdoors,
art,
country music,
kids
it's as though we looked through
things with the same eyes...
I still feel like the other
side to your coin...
when you hurt
I feel your pain
when you're unhappy
my heart bleeds for you...
So alike and yet so different

00000103

In God's Hands

Today I leave things in God's hands.  There are times when we are going through an ordeal when we cannot see through to the other side. When we ourselves have no control over the outcome and we are uncertain and afraid.

That is when it's time to let go and let God.  To put our trust and faith in Him that He will resolve everything to our best interests. Have no doubt that the Divine knows where this path is leading and what is waiting around the bend.

He sees the strength and spiritual growth in the process we are living through. Believe in yourself as you believe in the Almighty.

This experience you are living through is a gift in your development.  God knows you are capable of enduring and growing through every ordeal in your life, this one included.

First you must surrender your will to the Diving.  You must eliminate fear and doubt and any rigid expectations to an outcome.

God always gives more than we would ever dream possible.  Embrace the lesson for what it is. Take this time to work on yourself. To acknowledge your belief in all-that-I-am and your own power to endure as a child of God.

You are worthy to receive abundance and all the good the Divine lovingly bestows on you. Be at peace. Welcome the challenges of life as a period of grace.

When you develop a closer relationship to the Almighty, when you take time to pray, meditate, study and release,  you will receive. You have lived through more before and began again.

Realize this too is a new beginning in the making. It is a doorway to a new path to which faith is the key that is being molded by circumstances to fit the lock holding you back.

On the other side of this door is a glorious new future awaiting.  The dragons will be slayed in Divine time and you will emerge a stronger, more courageous spirit for having overcome another obstacle on your way to perfection and remembering your true self, which is divine.

03311999

The count down

There's less of me
with each passing day
counting down the hours
until father time sets me free

12190813

The morning finds me gone

You hold my heart a captive
love's blushing - sparkling eyes
fingers walk your countenance
passion hills still rise

and if you should whisper
please stay until the dawn
I'll lay beside you while you sleep
and the morning finds me gone.

12211978

Simpler Ways

If pain would ready me for peace
to come in my later years
I would gladly wait the time
biding them with tears

Like waiting for spring to rise
from winter's dormant bed
or the waters to drink the sunset
turning the tide all red

Like waiting for my nighttimes
to swallow morning days
and all the moonbeams
to feast upon noon's hot blaze

and old age will find me
living simpler ways

11121978

Forevermore

Beside my dying dreams I sit
though who I loved most dear
has gone to walk other paths
and others have been here

Left broken here... tomorrow's
a lifeless empty prize
and all my forever mores
have faded from my eyes

and slowly love's sweet dreams
like a fire's embers... dies

12211978

That the heart should remember

I would not be surprised
or so, or such, I thought
that the heart should remember
what the mind forgot

When it wandered farther
from where you are now
searching for tomorrow
forgetting yesterday's vow

For love's sweet promise
if, or what, should be
held tight once within my heart
had flown, departing from me

or maybe, just maybe
it's lying there quite dead
residing within the coffin
that is my heart, instead

11111978

Disco Man

Spin the record
ask requests
keep things going
disco man
keep a list
of all the hits
a constant chatter
in-between times
keep up the patter
don't let one second
of silence fall
watch the couples
stomp their feet
sway their bodies
to the beat
all alone there
in your glassed-in cage
just you and your records
don't go no place
do you wish that
you were out on the floor
out there with the rest
disco man
well put on enough records
and maybe you can

06151978

A gentle world

If we could inherit
memory... with birth
like other traits
maybe we could be
aware of the hurts ahead
and avoid them
like a ship
slipping between the icebergs
with the aid of radar...

If when we receive
our shots as infants
to protect us against disease
they could inoculate
us also
against the pain
life holds waiting for us
leaving our innocence
intact... trusting... giving
how much gentler
the world could be...

07151977

We are more than we think

If we think we are limited we will never realize our divine potential.  For to realize potential requires continuous growth, a process of expansion.  A seeking of knowledge.

It requires constant change.  Our self is an evolutionary process.  We define ourselves by change for we are still becoming, never completed.

We are future potential to be realized.  We are filled with discoveries yet to be.  We are an undefined miracle at work.  Be authentic to this self unfolding.  Nourish it with care.

We are more than what we do, experience, possess.  Our worth cannot be measured in tangibles.  Constant activity does not define us and is actually a form of self abuse for it leaves no time for the spirit.

To honor the spirit it requires quiet, introspection, a going within.  Without it we are on a roller-coaster to disaster.  Out of balance. Rushing headlong to calamity.

We need to be connected within as well as active without.  This is an important part of the growth process. Commune with the spirit, with the essence of self.  Be grounded.  Savor this time for it is filled with enlightenment.

Find the time to quiet the mind.  It is to practice self-value and to learn.  To expand your self-awareness.  To honor your spirit and to communicate with God.

We discover more in fifteen minutes of quiet than in hours of chaos.  It is time for an unfolding of your divine within.  To reconnect, recharge, and be in alignment with the spirit.  And to grow, expand, explore.

God always has greater plans for us than we can ever have for ourselves.  He is unlimited possibilities waiting for us to be open to them.

To unshackle our fear and dare to truly become our divine best.  God knows us better than we know ourselves.  He knows our greater potential.  He loves us unconditionally and wants to share with us in abundance.

03301999

Were we real?

Some things I just can't trust
like my memories of us...
I still get those feelings of love
as if you're reaching out from above
haunted, my eyes well with tears
as my pictures of you become unclear
were we really together once,
sharing the world's magnificence?

12390813

The ice man

I have suffered from
love hurts
leaving bruises
on my soul
given by you...
the ice man
leaving behind you
open wounds
to scar over time
reminders left of
love hurts...

07151977

Stronger China

I wonder if
it takes many people
as long as me
to discover themselves
who am I?
where am I going?
I'm just beginning
to find some direction
to my life...
There's no one involved
in my everyday...
no man
I want to share
myself with
as yet...
I'm involved in my
mother role
too much right now
for anyone...
to help them find
their own paths...
crisis has brought us closer
they realized
I'm made of china
but now
though cracked from pain
of love lost
I'm not as breakable
anymore...

07011977

Lesson learned

I won't soon forget
my friend
we shared many
a spring afternoon
and secrets joined
shared treasures
I will keep forever...
She believed
in my fantasies
of life lived forever,
an intangible dream...
She sensed my need
to deny the inevitable...
She listened
to all my ramblings
always... in patience...
Fantasies lived out
on a covered patio...
Troubles are the tools
God uses
to fashion us for better
understanding...
If we only have enough
faith... in his works...
She allowed me
to be close to her
despite her deep pain
because I needed
someone...
She gave me a gift
so rarely received
by such... as I
She taught me
how to deal with
life's final curtain
with dignity...
unable in her suffering
to teach me more
about living...
In her generosity
she instructed me
how to deal with
the art of... dying
One more terminal life
aren't we all
in our own way?
During those final days
trying to hide her agony
I learned more
to accept life as a gift
to be redeemed in time
then I ever had
during my lifetime
including the reality
of my own mortality...
People, ones we love
and care for
too often are perceived
as diseases
conditions without substance
We involved in life
don't want to
become deeply involved with
by shedding a single tear
to show emotion...
This battle of conflict
rages in our guts
crying out for release...
In all objectivity
we know...death.

06141977

I'm waiting

There was a man I once knew
who I could have loved
and never been untrue
but he was married to another
he felt no love for me... he
simply wanted a lover
church and society has said this is wrong
so I wandered on my way
wishing I could, instead, belong
The sound of his voice haunts me still
longing for his touch
never, this dream again, to fulfill
"I want you" he used to say
and make life stop for hours
in nakedness together we'd lay
The world said it's wrong for us to touch
for me to give in to him
it isn't enough to say I cared that much
Love has to be the answer someday, somewhere
so here I'll wait alone
until he's alone, and I am free to care

06101977

Send Bandages

My breast your nest
you laid your head
my body your mattress
you made your bed
my heart your haven
you made your home
my soul you left
a gaping wound

12211978