Tuesday, June 24, 2014

What is it I want?

What is it I want in this next stage in my life? Do I want the companionship of a mate, a partner, someone to spend the days and nights with? Or do I seek the silence of peace, as I have been alone for many years now and it truly doesn't bother me. What is it you want for me, Oh Lord?

I've spent many hours reading, studying, praying, and in spiritual growth. I have sought you out so often my beloved, my God, my savior and you fill my life. I have asked your guidance in many things but not in finding a relationship.

My life is good. You provide for my needs. It is not as if I do not see or admire a good looking man, but I have had no desire to go through the dating ritual again. I have found no other that I would wish to spend my life with. I seem to desire a cat sitter more than a man.

I have become comfortable in my existence. It has a deep sense of freedom and is unencumbered of tos. I can keep my own agendas without worry. To paint and put off lunch. To read through dinner. To arise or retire as I choose. To accommodate myself to no one but you.

This is true freedom. Did I find marriage so confining and unhappy that I never want to experience that emotional entrapment again? I am not sure for I haven't thought much about it. I know others feel lonely when they are uninvolved.

They have a sense of desperation about them I have never claimed. I enjoy my children, but do not want to live with them. My friends and family fulfill my need for companionship and love. I feel genuinely loved and cared for, especially by you, my God.

You have quieted my inner turmoil, brought me peace where there was stress, a reaching out for new knowledge and joy in the learning. I value my time and the quiet. To just be.

To have time to think and to grow. To know myself better and to listen. Your voice is the one I seek. My life is filled with your presence and the beauty you created. What I love is to bring my own vision of beauty into the world using the gifts you gave me.